Impressions; When Your Mind Is Your Biggest Enemy

Last weekend I went to my first and only race this year.

It was the third stop of the iXS German Downhill Cup in Ilmenau, I went there four years ago and I loved the track so much that I decided to give it a try again.

I went through a lot of progress over the past six months and felt the way I wanted to feel on the bike so I had the confidence to compete against the clock.

The weeks before the race I've been busy with studying for my final exam and I touched my bike only once but I was completely okay with it, I just wanted to focus on studying.

My feelings towards the race got worse every day the weekend came closer but I didn't worry, I felt confident, studying went well, my mind was set and happy.

On the road to Ilmenau I already set plans for my runs and was excited for the roots, rocks and jumps that awaited us on the track.

But the minute we arrived and the finish area caught my eye, my mind got flooded. What if you crash? What if you can't do your exam? What if you don't jump? What if you get in the way in practice? What if your bike smashes again? What if you miss your start? What if you don't sleep well? What if you don't eat enough? What if the others laugh at you? What if your physical condition lacks? What if you forget the lines you want to take?

What if you crash? What if you crash? What if you crash? It just wouldn't stop.

The first night I didn't sleep a second, I stared at the ceiling of the tent and watched it dawn while my thoughts did threesixtys over and over again, not nearly as beautiful as Brandon Semenuks.

I was grateful that I had to get up for the trackwalk so my thoughts finally got interrupted.

The track looked super fun, just like Ilmenau promised it to be, so I forgot my fatigue and got excited for practice. The first thing I said when I spotted the roadgap right after the start of the track was 'nope, not gonna do that!' but the more I stared at it the more I thought 'but you could do that...why not?'

So I got even more excited for practice, I went to the shuttle laughing and singing, walked up the start as happy as I could be.

I clipped in and rolled towards the first jump and the fatigue took over. But I still stood my ground and decided to save up my energy for tomorrow and sunday, so I just rolled down and watched the others.

Fortunately I managed to sleep and I got up with full motivation, we went to practice really early so we could do at least one run without too many other riders on track.

But I just didn't get it together. I was on the brake the whole way down, I literally stood and watched at every single mothereffin root. Not to mention the jumps! They were so far away like Whistler Blackcomb.

I rode like I never, ever sat on a bike before. The only thing I managed well was the rock garden, which in fact usually is the only thing I can't manage.

I still didn't lose my optimism! I wanted to roll down relaxed in my Seeding Run and see how it goes. But it was over the moment I passed the timekeeping and was alone on track. 'Don't crash, don't crash, don't crash, don't crash, don't crash' I repeated in my head like a manic idiot. My run was one single mistake, there was no root I didn't look at and no grass stalk I didn't count. I even had the time to think about turning right or left!

I crossed the finish line and looked at my time, it slapped me right in the face: You. Just. Failed. 'You are too stupid to bring your performance right on the point, look at it! Look!' said the clock and my facade slowly broke down: I realized that I'm not by anywhere near able to turn my head off and make use of my capabilities.

I was so incredibly devastated. Everything was gone, my confidence, my happiness, my beliefs, my optimism. I just didn't understand what blocked me so hard.

I was so ashamed of myself that I hid somewhere far away from the happenings. 'What the hell are you doing? Talking big like you would fly over the track with your eyes closed and now this? Why do you act like a big crybaby?' The feeling of knowing what I'm capable of and seeing what I bring down here made me so mad at myself that it took me a couple of hours to calm down. I realized I was simply scared of not being able to take my exam, that they wouldn't let me retake it when I'm injured. This final exam decides over my future and I realized that this fact didn't leave me as cold as I claimed. I don't have the 'Yolo-Mode' I talked myself into. I'm not the badass I wanted to be. The badass who smashes a race the week before a much more important event. The fact that nobody comforted me or told me that it's okay to be scared didn't make it easier, so I became obsessed with justifications while the pressure in my head completely peaked. 'Now you have to jump, now you have to jump, now you have to jump' was the next loop my thoughts raced.

Fortunately I managed to take myself out of it, one girl competing in my category said: 'You don't earn money with biking, with your degree you do.' So I decided to take no risk and just get over with my racerun.

It was more calm than the day before until I almost hit the barrier tape after the rock garden and landed in a mat right after. I even heard a little kid shouting 'Look how slow she is!' Kids are honest little beasts. So my time was even slower than in my Seeding Run. The display got to see my middle finger and I hid again to calm down. Even if I accepted my rational decision, the taste of devastation was incredibly bitter.

I didn't even feel any exhaustion of my muscles and lungs, the literal proof for: You chickened out.
And still, no single word of comfort, no trace of support, which made my result even more horrible. Do I deserve this? Am I that stupid? In my head, I was left as the big talking idiot who failed. 

To outsiders, this story may seem as the first world problems of a wannabe hobby racer who suffers under loss of reality and an exaggerated opinion of oneself (that's how I felt the whole weekend and still feel) but apart from the level of riding, I think pressure and not satisfying oneselves expectations is a problem that everybody has to fight but nobody brings up, especially in 'our' discipline. In the end, it's your time in cold print and nothing else. No story. No justifications. Just your time and your placement, that's what people see, your friends see, your rivals, your sponsors. That's a hell of a lot of pressure and I want to express my honest respect to every racer who is able to perform under this form of pressure and expectation.
But I also want to compliment all the mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, girlfriends, boyfriends, grandmas and uncles, team mates and coaches who support their loved ones, no matter what. Sometimes you just don't find the way yourself and you are the ones who always help by just being there. 

I'm aware of the fact that I think and talk way too much and I probably will never be able to turn my head completely off to perform, but I won't give up and make use of all the lessons I learned instead. I want to adjust my mind with my body, I want to learn how to focus and perform. I understand that a lot was caused by my habit to downplay important factors, but that's another thing I want to work on.
But at first, I'm gonna study the shit out of my books and get over my exam. Focus!

Long story short: I understood the true meaning of 'That's racing!'


Camo & Krooked brought me back up yesterday, especially this timeless gem.

One of my countless braking-moments, right before a jump. At least I looked good, huh?
Source: T-Wood

Love,
pwp