Impressions; Progression Doesn't Come Without Consequences

Hello again! It's been almost half a year since I wrote something!

To be honest, I was a bit happy about it because (as you may remember from another post) this blog was kind of a tool to help me deal with things going on in my head. Over the past months I learned to deal with things the grown-up way, sometimes well, sometimes not, but I did.

Same thing with riding bikes, this year I found a new point of view on it and this is what I love about this sport. I fell in love with riding all over again,  but this time in a more grown-up way as well. But this grown-up way also meant a much more intense level of love (this actually sounds like a relationship-story, maybe I should honestly start considering being an objectophile) which basically meant: If I didn't get on my bike for more than a few days, I felt like total crap.

Of course I have been asking myself if I was compensating something else with it, but I didn't want to waste time on thinking about it so I didn't matter. But now I sit here, having a hard time using the keyboard because I feel the ligaments of my shoulder moving around weirdly, as they are not where they are supposed to be. I crashed several times the last week and to be honest I don't even care apart from the fact that I have to take a break.

After I've spent so so many years in my comfort zone under the slogan 'Riding slow is better than not riding at all' I got fed up with it this year!

First step was getting a downhill bike again. But not just any bike, I finally bought the bike of my

dreams: The Norco Aurum! I dreamed about this bike the day it was presented.

Second step: competing in races. More than one race a year. The race calendar of the iXS German Downhill Cup offered some promising, fun stops so everything looked fine for this year!

I had so many awesome days in bike parks, on local trails or where ever I shoved my bike to but the racing thing just wouldn't work out.

It's useless to talk about every single race in detail but they have all one thing in common: I didn't finish one of them. The only race I felt comfy with ended up with a flat tire in the racerun! But that's racing right?

The main thing I had to fight with this year, was to push myself out of my comfort zone. Over the last SIX years, I didn't crash ONCE. Six years ago, 2009, was the year with my last bad injury which involved two surgeries and a long healing process. Nothing really bad, but with a lot of bad luck. 

There were a lot of people around me who made me think my body wouldn't be able to take another crash and I believed them. I was scared as hell. But there was the other side, the side that just could not live without mountain biking. So I tried to find a way to ride anyways, I adjusted my speed to a comfortable level in which I wouldn't crash. But these six years were also pure hell. I didn't ride the tracks I wanted to ride, I did't take the jumps I knew I could do, I didn't race the races I wanted to race. I wanted to quit so often because it felt like hell being at the same level for six years. Not just the same level, there were times where my riding got even worse. 

But not riding was even MORE worse, so I continued. Continued choosing the the lesser of two evils: Riding in my warm, cosy comfort zone. In 2011 I even decided to start riding downhill because I felt there is where my passion lives. And I always told myself that slow progress is the safe progress. But there wasn't any.

I grew up mentally and physically over the years, I got confident with me and my life, with my decisions and my safety-plan just didn't fit anymore so I finally decided to take a step further. It was too late for all of my dreams but I thought better late than never. I saw it as a mental challenge. A challenge for progress, for change. And I also felt like I had the support from my friends and family which made me feel so happy and secure.

But it wasn't easy at all. To gain speed and deal with it, I failed completely. 

I always stopped myself the moment I thought it worked out pretty well.

It's a vicious circle because I'm getting scared everytime I'm getting faster. I feel my body working with the speed, knowing how to move my bike, feeling secure but after a good run I'm always like 'whoa, I've gotta take it slow next time' - One step forward, two steps back. 

So I took it a step further and pushed myself even if I thought about taking it slow, I pedaled harder and forced myself out of my safety-cushions. The results: Several crashes. But it felt so good. I felt that my body could take it, that I could take it. Of course I was scared afterwards and I couldn't deal with the consequences immediately but it felt so liberating. Knowing I could take it. 

Several months ago, when I was dealing with a heavy amount of anxiety of crashing I asked a friend who is racing really successfully and she said: Sometimes it's good to crash, it let's you know that it's not that bad at all. And she was right.

And I wanted to work from here. The next mental challenge, the next step.

But then I got pushed back into the dark hole of self-doubt: Everything I do is useless, its useless what I love about this sport. I'm embarrassing myself, I'm stupid and reckless. Harming my body this way.

That is not true.

I am aware of the fact that my level of riding is nowhere near to be acknowledged but that's not what this is about. This is about myself, finding the way out of the jungle of my endless thoughts. I know that riding my bike is the key to letting go. To set my mind to peace. To get rid of my control issues.

I think a lot about motivation, pushing yourself, I think about it 24/7. I think about everything I do every second, every day. I think about possible scenarios instead of doing it. 

And I know the solution is the complete opposite - to stop thinking.

But this is me, thinking for at least 3 people at the same time. 

Over all these years I was so confident about the fact that I would find a way to match my mind with my body, to teach myself how to let go, but with deliberation. Without crashing.

When you read the last sentence you obviously find the paradoxon: You can't let go with deliberation.

Go big or go home. 

I am the master of my mind. I make the decisions and I still choose to take it slow.
But I still want to change that. I just need a new game plan.

You all may be aware of my BSFL (Brandon-Semenuk-Fangirling-Level) but in this video, Brett Rheeder has a lot of really inspiring things to say, which also led me back to my path. Thank you for that.

Agricultural Education: The Brett Rheeder Story from Freehub Magazine on Vimeo.

Last but not least: The soundtrack to my mood.



Love,
pwp