Impressions; Thank you.

 My first smile after the fear was gone. © Katrin Stöhr

Oh no, more than one post a month, no good! Waking up at 4:40am and not falling asleep after an exhausting weekend because my brain is exploding with thoughts, no good either. This huge overflow of thoughts made my fingers so eager to hit the keyboard that I already have to get everything out.

Yesterday, the last race of the iXS German Downhill Cup took place. Not the last race of my season, but the last race of the big season. 

I hinted in my last post that right now is not the ideal time for the relationship between me and my bike. Even if writing down that my doubts are caused by irrational emotions and that none of them are necessary helped me a lot, I still struggle hard to withdraw myself from them. 

The good news is, I finally finished one race, the race yesterday. The bad news is, I'm back to zero. Back to where I was when everything started. And I think it's time for me, to write it out.

The thing with my overthinking comes with a lot of self-consciousness and self-doubt, which is not really a good combination. The older I get, the better I deal with it, I do my best to be a better person every day and work on myself as hard as I can. I grew a lot of tolerance towards myself which also led to a big tolerance towards everything and everybody else around me which in turn led to a kind of inner peace. 

But then there is this thing with riding. 

I clearly remember the moment eight (!) years ago, when my hands touched the bars of a Mountainbike for the first time and I felt that I finally found my missing piece.
One week later I broke my collarbone for the first time. 

These two moments are the best representatives of all the eight years on my bike: Heaven and Hell.

And when I think about it right now, I honestly have no answer why I kept riding back then. The only thing I remember is the ridiculous amount of effort I gave to keep riding. It just meant everything to me. My several injuries and surgeries in my first years led to a lot of headwinds, especially in my family. My passion got judged as a phase of puberty, as a rebellion against my parents, as a stupid mood that would go away, I was basically ridiculed every day. In school, I was the weirdo wearing boxer shorts under her pants who only had one topic to talk about: her bike. (I still love you guys, HOPE!)
Also under my riding-friends, I was the clumsy, half-assed bitch who constantly broke her collarbone. 

But when I sat on my bike, put my feet on the pedal and did the first pedal strokes, nothing mattered anymore. Every single time I thought everything was worth it. Heaven and Hell.

The hardest thing for me was and still is hurting my mom. She always suffered under a huge amount of sorrow every time I went out with my bike. I started lying a lot, telling I would to something else instead of riding, I hid every bruise and I even tried to hide my second fracture. I didn't want her to worry but I couldn't quit either. Heaven and Hell. 

Someday we found a way, I took care and my mom started tolerating it and I got used to being completely alone and without any support, I myself was my biggest fan. Just me and my bike.

But there were always periods where all the wounds and fights forced me on my knees, when standing against the constant headwind got exhausting. I wanted to quit so often. These moments when I realized that I don't make any progress, that everything I did bored me. But I also was too scared to take the next step. This was usually the moment when I changed the discipline which only helped for a certain period of time. I basically ran away. In combination with my deliberation, this mindset developed into a control issue over the years. Every step forward was a potential danger. 

All of this was meant to change when I first met the people who I am allowed to call my loveliest friends now. When my last boyfriend (I don't like the word 'ex') and I went on our first bike trip together in Lac Blanc, I met this his friends, this huge crowd of crazy people, and they welcomed me so warmly. The moment when all of them waited for me at the chairlift and waved at me was the BEST thing ever, nobody did that for me before. We rode the whole day together in our big group and I was never this happy on my bike. But not only them, also my boyfriend was patient and supportive, showing me lines and techniques and acting SO cute when he asked if it was ok to ride without me. Unconditional support for the first time and I finally realized how much I needed that. Half a year later I moved to the town where all this lovely people live, my boyfriend wasn't my boyfriend anymore but the happiness stayed. I felt welcome. And at home. So amazing!

Hometrails absurfen von Prezi - Mehr Mountainbike-Videos

I finally found the courage to move forward, I got faster and better on the bike, I started to reach my dream to ride the way I knew I could. Because there was a handful of people who believed in me. Even my mom was proud of me, showing around pictures of me riding and making them her screensaver. I felt (and still feel) so incredibly blessed.

I even got so cocky that I wanted to start racing again, so I registered for some races.

And as if I wasn't lucky enough, already on the first race this year I found my "racing-family", a handful of amazing people who took me under their wing. Also with incredible, unconditional support. (Coffee in the morning, cooking dinner, fixing my bike, packing my stuff, bathing in rivers, taking pictures of me...Thank you so, so much.) I really struggle to find the right words to describe the gratefulness I feel every day.

©extreme-pics.de / Benjamin Prescher

So, where are we now? I finished one of four races, I crashed countless times, I was shaken with fear over the last few weeks, all of my progress is gone. How did that happen? I got pushed back into my headwind-tunnel and I immediately ate shit, helpless without my safety-cushions.

Because even with the greatest amount of support and love, change doesn't come overnight. 

For me, every ride is a fight. I have good days when I can turn off my head and I have the days when I burst into tears because I feel the blockage coming up, which are actually the most days. 

I take this baggage on every ride with me and to be honest, I don't know how to get rid of it.

© Katrin Stöhr

But there are also a few things I know: Last weekend, I got from shaking fear on the first day to a 20-sec improvement on the last day and all thanks to the kind words of all the people around me. 

I sat in the chairlift and the nice guy next to me asked how I feel on the track and when I told him that I was  scared as hell, he told me to just keep riding, no matter how fast and one moment the fear will be gone - and he was right. (Thank you Mr. Unknown)

My result was SO bad, but everybody around me was supportive and lovely and to be honest, this was exactly what I needed because I still don't know what to do next.

I feel like quitting again, I'm starting from zero. AGAIN. There's no way to run now, this is the end. 

Three choices: Quitting, stop acting like a crybaby or leaving it how it is. 

Somebody said, there's a difference between quitting and letting go. Maybe I should finally let go. 

But no matter what, all I want to say is thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. For every single lovely word, hug, text, call. Especially the hugs, they mean the most to me. Thank you. 

You all have no idea how happy you make me!

Support the people you love. And also the people you don't love, you never know how badly somebody needs a few kind words. Be tolerant, be kind. Always. It can change peoples lives! 

Love,

pwp

Impressions; Progression Doesn't Come Without Consequences

Hello again! It's been almost half a year since I wrote something!

To be honest, I was a bit happy about it because (as you may remember from another post) this blog was kind of a tool to help me deal with things going on in my head. Over the past months I learned to deal with things the grown-up way, sometimes well, sometimes not, but I did.

Same thing with riding bikes, this year I found a new point of view on it and this is what I love about this sport. I fell in love with riding all over again,  but this time in a more grown-up way as well. But this grown-up way also meant a much more intense level of love (this actually sounds like a relationship-story, maybe I should honestly start considering being an objectophile) which basically meant: If I didn't get on my bike for more than a few days, I felt like total crap.

Of course I have been asking myself if I was compensating something else with it, but I didn't want to waste time on thinking about it so I didn't matter. But now I sit here, having a hard time using the keyboard because I feel the ligaments of my shoulder moving around weirdly, as they are not where they are supposed to be. I crashed several times the last week and to be honest I don't even care apart from the fact that I have to take a break.

After I've spent so so many years in my comfort zone under the slogan 'Riding slow is better than not riding at all' I got fed up with it this year!

First step was getting a downhill bike again. But not just any bike, I finally bought the bike of my

dreams: The Norco Aurum! I dreamed about this bike the day it was presented.

Second step: competing in races. More than one race a year. The race calendar of the iXS German Downhill Cup offered some promising, fun stops so everything looked fine for this year!

I had so many awesome days in bike parks, on local trails or where ever I shoved my bike to but the racing thing just wouldn't work out.

It's useless to talk about every single race in detail but they have all one thing in common: I didn't finish one of them. The only race I felt comfy with ended up with a flat tire in the racerun! But that's racing right?

The main thing I had to fight with this year, was to push myself out of my comfort zone. Over the last SIX years, I didn't crash ONCE. Six years ago, 2009, was the year with my last bad injury which involved two surgeries and a long healing process. Nothing really bad, but with a lot of bad luck. 

There were a lot of people around me who made me think my body wouldn't be able to take another crash and I believed them. I was scared as hell. But there was the other side, the side that just could not live without mountain biking. So I tried to find a way to ride anyways, I adjusted my speed to a comfortable level in which I wouldn't crash. But these six years were also pure hell. I didn't ride the tracks I wanted to ride, I did't take the jumps I knew I could do, I didn't race the races I wanted to race. I wanted to quit so often because it felt like hell being at the same level for six years. Not just the same level, there were times where my riding got even worse. 

But not riding was even MORE worse, so I continued. Continued choosing the the lesser of two evils: Riding in my warm, cosy comfort zone. In 2011 I even decided to start riding downhill because I felt there is where my passion lives. And I always told myself that slow progress is the safe progress. But there wasn't any.

I grew up mentally and physically over the years, I got confident with me and my life, with my decisions and my safety-plan just didn't fit anymore so I finally decided to take a step further. It was too late for all of my dreams but I thought better late than never. I saw it as a mental challenge. A challenge for progress, for change. And I also felt like I had the support from my friends and family which made me feel so happy and secure.

But it wasn't easy at all. To gain speed and deal with it, I failed completely. 

I always stopped myself the moment I thought it worked out pretty well.

It's a vicious circle because I'm getting scared everytime I'm getting faster. I feel my body working with the speed, knowing how to move my bike, feeling secure but after a good run I'm always like 'whoa, I've gotta take it slow next time' - One step forward, two steps back. 

So I took it a step further and pushed myself even if I thought about taking it slow, I pedaled harder and forced myself out of my safety-cushions. The results: Several crashes. But it felt so good. I felt that my body could take it, that I could take it. Of course I was scared afterwards and I couldn't deal with the consequences immediately but it felt so liberating. Knowing I could take it. 

Several months ago, when I was dealing with a heavy amount of anxiety of crashing I asked a friend who is racing really successfully and she said: Sometimes it's good to crash, it let's you know that it's not that bad at all. And she was right.

And I wanted to work from here. The next mental challenge, the next step.

But then I got pushed back into the dark hole of self-doubt: Everything I do is useless, its useless what I love about this sport. I'm embarrassing myself, I'm stupid and reckless. Harming my body this way.

That is not true.

I am aware of the fact that my level of riding is nowhere near to be acknowledged but that's not what this is about. This is about myself, finding the way out of the jungle of my endless thoughts. I know that riding my bike is the key to letting go. To set my mind to peace. To get rid of my control issues.

I think a lot about motivation, pushing yourself, I think about it 24/7. I think about everything I do every second, every day. I think about possible scenarios instead of doing it. 

And I know the solution is the complete opposite - to stop thinking.

But this is me, thinking for at least 3 people at the same time. 

Over all these years I was so confident about the fact that I would find a way to match my mind with my body, to teach myself how to let go, but with deliberation. Without crashing.

When you read the last sentence you obviously find the paradoxon: You can't let go with deliberation.

Go big or go home. 

I am the master of my mind. I make the decisions and I still choose to take it slow.
But I still want to change that. I just need a new game plan.

You all may be aware of my BSFL (Brandon-Semenuk-Fangirling-Level) but in this video, Brett Rheeder has a lot of really inspiring things to say, which also led me back to my path. Thank you for that.

Agricultural Education: The Brett Rheeder Story from Freehub Magazine on Vimeo.

Last but not least: The soundtrack to my mood.



Love,
pwp

Eyecatchers; Oh Crap. Pinch Me, Is This A Dream?

Thanks Instagram for ruining my life. Unsuspectingly scrolling through random pictures and out of nowhere hit by THIS:

No not the shoes, the skirts! I totally went crazy, all I have ever been dreaming of: tulle, mesh, midi, pleated, clean, subtle in the most dramatic way possible. And then I looked at the caption. @wmag postet about Dior's Spring Couture Collection 2015. 

Dior. Crap. Haute Couture. Oooh crap. 

I could buy a house, a car, a new bike (more like two), travel for a year, get all my tattoos at once OR I could buy this dream of a skirt. LOOK AT THIS! Stuff had me like:

Source: style.com

Pure Dream. Pure DREAM! I need to win the lottery. Or a sugar daddy. Aaaaw yeah! 

I'll just ignore the fact that I think normal people could never get a hand on couture collections anyway. This probably is the highest level of first world problems I ever experienced, but also the highest level of objectophilia sooo...yeah.

And right at the very moment when I comforted myself with 'you don't have the appropriate shoe for this kind of skirt anyway...', Instagram came up with Topshop Unique's Spring Summer '15 Collection:

C'mon, really?! One prettier than the other.

You sure Marc Zuckerberg can't read minds or stuff? Damn it.

Love, 

pwp

New Year's Twist

So, over the last two months I went through the dullest and greyest slump I can ever remember.
I wasn't sad, I wasn't sick (except for a little cold) I just stopped doing everything and stared at the ceiling of my bed instead. No bad thoughts, still no sadness, just dull, meaningless staring. I stopped biking, cooking and eating well, working out, yoga, running, meeting friends. And I had absolutely no motivation to change this state. It felt so weird because I didn't want to do anything else but staring at my ceiling. When I had work to do, I finished it and went back to bed. When I didn't stare at my ceiling I stared at my computer screen and binge-watched Friends. All of the 10 seasons. I really loved the series for their exceptional characters who all accepted each other for who they are, awesome idea. But I wasn't happy either. Not happy, not sad, just dull. I have no idea how that happened, but I blame the weather. Winter really hit me between the eyes.

Good thing is, I started to find my way back. Eating well, drinking green smoothies, running, playing tennis, enduro tours. Motivation still is nowhere to find but being sick of this oppressive dullness helps a lot, too. I hope that my old habits come back when I push them myself.
Motivation follows, happiness follows, that's the plan.



But wintertime is always fashion-time for me, which luckily was the one thing that stayed with me.
I collected a lot of inspirations over the endless days at home, got some key-pieces that I cant wait to try out in spring/summer.
I got fed up over wearing jeans, so some other bottoms found the way into my closet.
Flared Midi Skirts and Cullotes are my absolute favourite right now.

Tibi always comes up with a great range of flared skirts, I love the combination with the cropped blouses! 

Source: style.com

 Oscar de la Renta was shining with a perfectly feminine collection again - I would

 LOVE to find a skirt like that. The feather-straps on the sandals are also gorgeous! 

Source: style.com

I also discovered my love for sneakers! Plain, simple sneakers with a chic twist are my favourite.
Shoes in general, I want to wear more pretty heels this year!

Janoskis are my absolute favourite right now. In my eyes, the perfect plain sneaker 
Source: primedelux.com

 

It takes me a looong time, to find heels that I like. Either they are too high to walk on or the shape doesn't fit or or or....but I want THESE!
Source: bodenusa.com

Twisting styles up is the most fun. Chic cullotes with vans, sheer blouse with a sports bra underneath. Love it! Found at theclassyissue.com

Yeah, my main goal this year is to celebrate my womanhood a bit more.
New Year's came a little late for me. Still doesn't feel like a real wake-up-call but it's a baby step. Baby steps back into happiness!
For the smirks here and there:

Love,
pwp

Off-Topic; Essen Motor Show 2014

Ever since I got my drivers license, another stupid, ridiculously expensive industry draw my interest: Cars.
Don't get me wrong, not the 'OMG look at those rims, daaamn check out the V8, aaaaaw yeaaaaah AMG bro!'-kind of liking cars, I prefer slight understatement wagons and engines around 2.0 l and 170-220 PS, like the Volvo V60, Skoda Octavia RS or the BMW 320d.
Another question for 'what the fck is wrong with me?'-category but then I think about my passion for Grey's Anatomy, Sex and the City, baby cats and the movie LOL (the original version not the messed miley-cyrus-one) and calm down again.

Anyways, I absolutely wanted to visit the Essen Motor Show, I can't remember the last time I went to a trade show. It was kind of smaller than I expected and I'm still a rookie, so I just wandered around and took pictures of what I was interested in.
Suprisingly, Skoda presented the best booth in my opinion (they had free slushies! And the hostesses were wearing clothes which actually covered their bodies!).
I really like the brand and their refreshed line, huge props to the marketing head. (VW...'cough)
As I follow the Rally circuit (WRC and ERC) for over a year now, another highlight for me was to see the new Fabia R5 without the prototype paintjob (even if I'm sure the only R5 thing about this R5 was the body, haha).
BMW was lined up pretty nicely, too, but I don't like their new 'signature-white'.
The rest was filled with the standard stuff: Formula One, DTM, a few Dakar rigs (only a month left now!) classic cars, hot rods, motorcycles, merch, rims, suspension, etc.

My highlight was the drift show in the middle of the trade, even if I don't like this drifting-jdm-stuff, the skills these guys showed were incredible!
The guy with the LED's on his BMW absolutely won the style award but the two japanese rigs, a Toyota GT86 and a Mitsubishi FTO (I did a little research, this Mitsu has a Nissan RB25DET engine AND was reconstructed to rear wheel drive, seriously crazy shit and it absolutely sounded like it, too) totally smashed the hall (and my ears) with their exploding turbos. 

The lightning was really really bad for taking pictures with my poor equipment, so only a few (hardly edited) pics made it here...I should've taken my small digicam with me, this little magic wand.

All in all, a really cool side trip into the world of cars! But I'm gonna keep spending all my money on bikes I think, haha, even if I can't wait to put my feet on the pedals of my dream car...someday.

Love,

pwp

Impressions; Two Year Recap

Same as it ever was: Sitting on my desk, having a lot more important things to do than writing a blog, doing it anyways.

I have no idea how and when it happened but I lost my productivity and got back to procrastinating a LOT. I almost forgot how creative you get in doing other things rather than doing what you have to do, in good and in bad ways. Finally did my laundry, but also started watching series which have an endless amount of episodes.

I found a great topic for my bachelor thesis and the research for it is tiring and exciting at the same time. But it looks like the excitement is nowhere near enough to start writing and working on it.

Isn't excitement the engine for productiveness? It actually scares me alot, that I got back to procrastinating. I remember my last slump like around three years ago, where it was as bad as it is now and I clearly remember me wasting a lot of time and precious memories that could have been made. It scares me. But I have no solution for getting out of it either, not even riding my bike helps, so I lost all my sources of productiveness.

So I started to re-read my blog, all my posts, all my thoughts, pictures, mashups, videos, songs.

I can't believe this thing is almost two years old. 

When I was finished I realized: I'm really proud of this. I'm really proud of my language skills, playing with a language which isn't my mother tongue but feels like the language I want to express my feelings with. I am proud of all the material I collected, be it my own pictures or the pictures friends took, be it the videos and inspirations I found. I'm proud of my music taste, proud of the findings I make every day which make me happy.

But the most I am proud of  growing the confidence to write down and share my thoughts because this was the reason why I started this in the first place. I needed a space where I am confident enough to stand up for myself, for what I love and who I am. I could've never imagined that this would be and online platform called a 'blog' but it's kind of like a painting you keep drawing or a book which is building up its story page by page. 

Right now, I'm struggling again with being who I am. I am fcking weird and everything I like or do doesn't fit together in ANY way. And I always keep asking myself why don't I just start to be normal, start to be a person where everything just makes sense. Like a painting of a landscape, not a fucking optical illusion or some other shit. I wouldn't have to expain myself over and over again, there would be no stupid questions or looks. Nobody would say 'you're weird', which makes me so incredibly furious because I mothereffin' KNOW I'm weird.

But then I remembered why I started this blog: I wanted to learn how to embrace the random, category-lacking, non-matching me.

And now that I recapitulate everything that I wrote down here, I see that it worked, I only lost track.

I am a mountainbiking-tennisplaying-drumandbassloving-technosoberenjoying-overbassdropsandbikevideoscrying-weightlifting-notdrinking-natureadoring-vegetabledevouring-animalcrueltyhating-dairyproductsdarningbutsourcreamcraving-dressingupinhighfashionliking-everyfactorofatopicconsidering-japaneseasaguiltypleasureembracing-overlyemotionalbutatthesametimeeasygoingbeing-makeeverybodyhappyilovewanting weirdo. 

And I love it, screw you! 

This URL, www.pointewhitepedals.blogspot.com, is never letting me forget this and it's gonna make me rediscover my productivity, I'm pretty sure about that. I may not make money with this and I know I never will but I appreciate it so much, for being a great guide and reminder to me.

But first, back to a little procrastinating:

Because it reminds me why I chose this sport and never let go:

Because my favourite rider and my favourite brand are now together in one team for 2015:

Because Tinlicker is a genius new Project by beloved Black Sun Empire:

Because pinkbike.coms Photo Epics are simply the best:

Because I miss my big ol' boy but I love the sexy substitute I built up instead:

Love,pwp

G&A; Dedicated To Kannibalen Records

Funny, how things come together sometimes.
About a month ago, my favourite label Kannibalen Records released one brilliant track after another.
It all began with Dabin and their dreamy track called 'Bloodless', the snowball effect kicked in and I discovered some many other perfect tracks.
I clearly remember my discovery of Kai Wachi, Apashe and Snails this summer and I was remarkably impressed how the founders BTSM have a way for exceptional talents.

Anyways, after their release-explosion a month ago I spammed all my social media accounts with their tracks but I thought the idea of a whole blog post only filled with soundcloud-links would be a bit boring.
The day BTSM and Apashe released their genius track 'The Grave', I couldn't resist and enter a giveaway by them and I won two of their T-Shirts!

I wanted the pictures to be something special, just like Kannibal Rec are to me. So I made use of the early sunset in wintertime and experimented with lights and wet weather. I actually took the pictures with my small digicam because I don't have a self-timer remote for my DSLR. This tiny little fella does some incredible work!

Love,
pwp

Impressions; Hafjell - Livin' the Internlife

A few days passed, I got my sleep back, reports are done, clothes are clean, the gastank is full and my mind slowly followed by body back home.

So I finally took the time to browse through all the pictures I took on my Hafjell trip. I got the opportunity to visit the Downhill Worldchamps which took place in Norway this year and report about them. How did that happen? The Dirt Mag Germany offered kind of an intern program designed for the event, I classically applied and got chosen. I travelled together with Schwalbe Tires, helped them with their work and simultaneously documented my experiences online on Dirt Mag. To be honest, I talked myself blue in the face about this trip, so I'm gonna keep it short and let the rest of the pictures talk that didn't make it to the page.
In case you want to read more about my Hafjell Blog, check it out here. 
(all of the blogs in are in german)

Amusingly, I managed to infect the Schwalbe Team with my Huccimania! So his songs were humming at our booth all day long, perfect.

Love,
pwp